Who Do I Want to Be in Hollywood?

This morning I was lying in bed and I was thinking: If I ever become known for my music what do I want my influence to be. When I was 13, my voice coach asked me that same question. I said I didn't want people to feel like they have to be like me. I want to teach them that it's okay to be themselves. I still agree today. Of course, I know that if I this opportunity ever arises, I'm bound to influence people whether I'd like to or not.

I'm not going to use the phrase "If I ever become famous". Let's face it, "famous" has a whole other meaning now. Fame isn't just about being known for your craft, it's about being known for your wild party habits, your drug and alcohol addictions, or dressing up in some wacky getup. I just want to be known for my craft. I want to be successful doing what I love. I know I'm never going to be in that party scene. I couldn't stand it in high school and I still can't stand it. Want to known my big high school party experience? Some friends invited me to a party. I went. It ended up being a party of their religious teenage congregation with parental supervision and playing games with paper airplanes. I kid you not. And I had a blast! Want to know my big high school drinking experience? I went to a restaurant, ordered a virgin pina colada and they served me one with rum accidentally. Two sips and I was giggly and tipsy. My tolerance has always been low. Final want to know: This was my clubbing experience when I turned 18. My sister and I went to a few clubs and each time sat around in a corner talking to each other about our future film project at the time. Each time we got up to try and dance with each other we looked around and there was no one on the floor. The other club we went to was so crowded and loud that I wanted to leave the first second I arrived.

See. I'm definitely not going to be known as the "party" girl. It's weird. Everyone I talk to out in LA is always asking me about what my "image" is going to be. One person looked at my promotional photos months back and said, "These are nice photos but there's really nothing special about them."

Can't I be the one celebrity whose actually known for just having a talent? It's ridiculous that Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and Katy Perry have become the industry standard. Don't get me wrong, I think Lady Gaga's outfits are fun to look at. I loved Britney's early music. I love Katy Perry's music and her crazy costumes. But I just want to be me. The girl who waited in line for 3 hours for the Chuck panel at San Diego Comic Con, the girl who helps her friends out when they need it, collects TV DVDs and stares at the collection longingly to relax, enjoys nightly strolls in the supermarket with my hubby, and sings and writes to let out my bottled up emotions.

I guess till this day, I still believe what I said when I was 13. I don't want to be anyone's influence. The only thing I want my fans to ever be is who they are. I want them to know that you don't have to party and drink to be special. That you're special just the way you are.

Hollywood seems to have this standard that everyone has to prove they're special and that they're the best. I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to pretend or be false. If I'm never the "Hollywood" version of "the best", I'll be just fine. I just want to do what I love. I want to know that a fan, even if it's just one fan, has listened to my songs and it has helped them through whatever experience they're going through.

If I can make it doing what I love and by being myself, it's worth it. It's not worth it any other way. If I can't, at least I know I'm still me.

Recording my EP in Boulder, Colorado.

Recording studio breaks with my husband who was obsessed with Angry Birds at the time.