The Road to Success Lies in You

Hi everyone! It's been a while. For those of you who don't know, my husband and I are expecting our very first child this October - a baby boy!!! We are beyond excited...this also explains why I've been so absent from the blog these past few months. Pregnancy is a wild ride!

Today, I felt inspired to write a blog after seeing a post on Facebook about encouraging kids to read for the sake of their standardize test scores. Seeing something like this saddened me, angered me, and all around just made me think about the pressures from society my child is going to grow up in. I am grateful that I grew up with parents who didn't believe test scores and school were the be-all end-all, and I am happy that Gwith and I will raise our son exactly the same way.

I don't believe tests and school are the way to success. My belief is that passion, enthusiasm, and drive are what make you a successful person, which is why encouraging our children in their interests at a young age is far more important than anything else. For those of you who have read my past blogs, you know I dropped out of high school at 16 years old (read my story here). This was not an easy decision for me, or for my parents, but it was undoubtedly one of the best decisions made in my life. When I flashback to the day we decided I needed to leave school, I can still picture myself sitting on the floor, shaking in tears from the depression and insecurities school had taught me to feel. I felt helpless, stupid, and like I had no control or ability to make decisions for myself. That was the day it all changed. After crying in my mom's arms, she asked me, "Do you want to drop out of school?" Tearfully, I told her yes. While it was a struggle for my parents, they didn't show that to me. Without any hesitation, my mom saw the pain I was in and agreed with my decision. I originally planned to study online and take my GED...but life got in the way. Instead, I continued teaching myself what I loved: film editing. I was on Final Cut Pro daily, fine tuning my editing skills and learning the ins and outs of the program. In many ways, I still felt insecure and incompetent thanks to many years of my experiences in school. However, film editing was the first thing I knew I was able to do and helped me believe in myself. I created plans for an editing business and worked on a few corporate training video projects, but at 18, thanks to my parents, I ended up with the experience of a lifetime - an experience that taught me greatly about passion, hard work, and management. In December of 2008, my sister, a friend, and I, wrote a TV show pilot script called "Little Blossom". My parents loved the script and encouraged us to create it. Of course, I don't think they realized at the time what that meant...In January, I had built a website for our project. By the end of the month, we had advertisements for actors out on Craigslist, Colorado Screen Actors Guild, and had contacted numerous talent agencies in the Denver area. Throughout February, we began auditioning actors for our ambitiously sized script. When I say ambitiously sized, I mean, when we do a project, we never think small. We go straight to big. Not big. Huge. Our production required 40 actors, at least 15 background extras, a camera crew, makeup crew, and 15 various filming locations.

The audition process alone was life changing for me...and I can safely say, we had no idea how many people would find out about our "little" project! Before we knew it, we had days full of auditions with actors flying in from Florida, New York, Los Angeles, and Las Vegas. As three young women ranging in age from 18-21, and all looking about 15, we were beyond nervous that we wouldn't be taken seriously. As we prepared for our first day as casting directors, we put on our business suits, our serious faces, and walked in to the office that would be our audition room for the next month or two. As the auditions passed and the days continued, we really got the hang of what we were doing...and over time, we realized that the actors coming in were far more nervous than we were. I spent years assuming that adults looked at me as an insecure little girl. The moment that changed was when we had a 45 year old man come in to our audition room, shaking throughout his audition, because the three of us made him that nervous! I will never forget that day. I'm not going to lie, it was a pretty good day! Over the weeks, I stopped thinking about "will these people take us seriously?". I had a job to do, actors to hire, and I could care less. We were interviewing actors for parts ranging in age from 12 to 65! If anyone had a problem with us, that was their problem, not ours.

After the audition process passed and we had a full cast, we began writing contracts, release forms, etc. It was my first experience looking at legal contracts! I learned quite a bit about what the language in those and what needs to be added, removed, etc. As the summer arrived, my mother and I set out to find our various filming locations: the most challenging being a school for exterior and interior scenes! I fell in love with the outdoor layout of a school and we contacted them immediately. Unfortunately, they came back to us with a ridiculous contract. My mom couldn't understand half of it and as I read through, I realized it gave us liability for anything that happens on the grounds, whether we're there or not! I highlighted the line for my mom to read and we realized, as much as I loved the location, we had to find another school. The school we ended up at didn't have the layout needed to film the opening shot as I had hoped, but we made do with what we had!

Throughout June and July, we began holding rehearsals. During the rehearsals, we directed our various actors on their roles and prepped them throughout the summer. In the meantime, my sister Raishel, friend Rhiannon, and I, shopped for clothes for our cast and props for the sets. With filming right around the corner (our first day was August 1st!), we had to hustle. A couple of days before filming, one of our actresses got her character's attire and didn't approve. Her character was a flirty, sexy, high school student who wore shorts skirts, high heels, and tight fitting tops. The next day, she informed us that she had taken it upon herself to shop at some very expensive stores to buy "sophisticated" attire for her character and expected reimbursement. Needless to say, with only a couple days before filming, we had a decision to make...and the decision was easy. We had an ensemble cast so we cut her entire character (and yes, she was a lead!), out of the script, rewrote scenes, added a few scenes for other characters, and fired her. I had never made a decision so quickly in my life...but we had no time to cast someone new and we weren't going to let her do whatever she wanted! This taught me that no matter what issues arise in business, there are always solutions if you think fast on your feet.

Promo photo from the set of "Little Blossom" (August 2009)

Filming was a hectic and wild ride. Some days, we would wake up at 4:30 am, return home after midnight, write the call sheet, and do it all over again. It taught me how to work on very little sleep, how to schedule, and ultimately, how to manage. As the days continued on set, my sister and I co-directed the actors every day, repeatedly tried to teach the "professional" camera crew how to film (we quickly found out they weren't as professional as they said!), and tried to keep the makeup crew from having breakdowns when things fell behind. One day, a couple weeks into filming, we had our largest scene yet. We had about 25 people at a house, waiting to film a scene. The house was owned by our cameraman and he was supposed to have set up the set and scene in advance...but that hadn't happened. Instead, our cast was waiting around throughout the day, for him to finish setting up the scene. My sister ended up having a breakdown (As luck would have it, our ambulance had arrived for a scene and the paramedics were still there and able to check that she was okay!). My dad had flipped out completely and left, and my mom and I remained to deal with the exhausted cast members who were crying and having meltdowns, a fussy makeup team constantly getting angry and asking us when things would be done, and a lazy camera crew...I don't like to call people lazy but every time we went to check on them, they were sitting down and chatting while everyone waited for them to finish their work! It was probably the worst day of my life but somehow, I managed to do everything. I still don't actually know how, but I did.

After a month of filming, we finally wrapped production. A month or so later, my family left for our vacation to Australia and New Zealand, which is where I met my wonderful husband (read our love story here)! Upon our return, I went straight to editing the show and we continued into post-production, renting out a recording studio to record ADR for noisier scenes. In April of 2010, we were ready to premiere the show!

Photo from the premiere (April 2010)

Unfortunately, at the end of the day, we didn't have the connections or knowledge of the entertainment industry to bring the show anywhere. At the time, it was hard to acknowledge that, but in the long run, I don't think that experience had anything to do with pitching and launching a network TV show. It ended up being a major confidence builder that taught me about the strength I never knew I had.

That experience was the reason that when Gwith and I opened our restaurant, Aroha, last year, I knew we could manage it. I'm not sure if I had continued in school if I would have the confidence and self-respect that I have now at 23 years old. Maybe I would've found it eventually, but I tend to doubt it. Not everyone needs to experience a giant film production to find their confidence. The point is, we all just need to find something. Some people find their confidence through good grades and the school system...and that's awesome for them. However, some us find it through our creative outlets, our athletics, or our passions for helping people and making the world a better place. Society places far too much importance on school being the only outlet that can mark success. At the end of the day, only we can mark our own success and believing in ourselves is what gets us there. Grades are just a mark on a piece of paper and no reflection on our intelligence and work ethic. If grades and school truly marked these things, then by all standards, Gwith and I wouldn't be capable of being where we are today.

I hope as our restaurant builds in success, that one day Gwith and I can obtain the funds to continue forth with another big dream of mine. I was lucky enough to have parents that could fund my dream of "Little Blossom" and help me towards my passions in life. My dream is to begin a foundation one day that can do the same for other high school drop-outs like my husband and I. I would love to make other peoples dreams a possibility and help them build their confidence and abilities by letting them learn to write business plans, obtain the funds for their businesses, and gain management skills, or pursue their goals as artists, or any other career they dream of succeeding in. I truly believe that if more people were encouraged and helped on the paths they dream to take, they'll get there.

Believe in yourself and anything is possible.

Confessions From a High School Drop-Out

Today, I'm going to tell my story of why I left high school at sixteen years old. Before I begin though, I don't want anyone reading this story with pre-concieved notions and judgements, so let me clear some things up. No, I wasn't a lazy student. I didn't lack motivation and I didn't lack intelligence. I did not leave high school to sit on my ass all day and do nothing. In fact, the year everyone was graduating, I was co-creating and co-producing a TV show pilot with a cast of forty actors from around the country ranging from ages thirteen to sixty, twenty teenage background actors, fifteen locations, and eighteen hour days. No one forced me to spend a year of my life working like that. I chose it. I created it. And I loved it.

But working on "Little Blossom" is not what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about my decision to leave high school with the full support of my parents.

"I did not fail the school system. The school system failed me."

From 2nd grade onwards, I had a lot of trouble staying healthy. I was susceptible to any and every virus that wandered the halls and I always got it. I never faked being sick (okay, maybe once or twice in early elementary school!). My family has always believed in health. They'd rather take care of their sick children instead of unleash their germs onto everyone else. Imagine that, right!? Wanting your kids to get healthy. Anyways, as we found out years later, my immune system was low due to many allergies my family was unaware of at the time.

The Cherry Creek School District never supported my health issues. In 2nd grade, my teacher wanted us to walk everyday. Okay. That's healthy. I understand that. On the day of a very cold blizzard though, she still wanted us to walk. I've always been sensitive to cold temperatures and I told her I didn't want to walk that day. She called my parents and told them that I was afraid of the snow. It was absolutely ridiculous. I played in the snow all the time. I just didn't want to freeze for twenty minutes with snow blasting in my face. I still don't want to do that. This caused an entire ruckus that led to my parents having to come in to meet with my teacher, the principal, and the school nurse. Needless to say, my dad, who's a world renowned doctor, was not pleased when the school nurse tried to teach him about health.

In 5th grade, my class was going on a field trip and I realized I forgot my jacket. My teacher scolded me in front of the class to the point where I began to cry. She was upset at me, an eleven year old, for not thinking ahead of time and bringing my jacket to class. All I wanted was to stay warm and she didn't care. Thankfully, my art teacher saw me crying in the hallway and brought me a jacket.

In 6th grade, I began getting sick a lot more. I was out for weeks at a time back and forth. I had piles of makeup assignments and I would spend every day working on them. One day, I went into my science class to get help from my teacher during recess. She yelled at me, told me I was lazy, and accused me of being truant. I fled from the room, tears in my eyes. I was just a student trying to get by and learn what I had missed. If I was truant, why would I come in during recess for help? Why would I care enough? I didn't understand why I was being treated so horribly. I believed that it must've been my fault in some way. Afterwards, I sat in the hallway outside of my social studies teacher's class. He was my favorite teacher. In fact, I visited him every year up until I moved two years ago. He came out from his classroom and saw me crying. He sat next to me, listened to my story, and sympathized with me. He talked to me and encouraged me. I was able to go to the rest of my classes that day because of him.

There are some stories from 7th grade, like the teacher I wrote a ten page essay for, that he then had another student present at a competition. It was my work and I felt incredibly betrayed. 8th grade though, that was the beginning of the end for me. I was out every few weeks, ill, and again, buried in makeup assignments. My makeup assignment folder was jam packed with a hopeless amount of assignments. One day, my history teacher asked me to come in during recess so he could explain a project I had missed. As you can understand, I hadn't felt very comfortable doing this since 6th grade. Every time I tried to talk to a teacher, I had been yelled at. This time, I mustered up the courage to go in. What could possibly happen? He wants to help me with my assignment! Hah. What a laugh. I went in and instead of giving me the help I needed, he saw my overwhelmingly large makeup assignment folder and accused me of being unorganized. I'm not unorganized. I created a booklet listing my DVDs at home by category and by actor. I am far from unorganized. But, he took one look at this pile and decided instead of helping me with my assignment, he would sit me down for my entire recess and have me reorganize my binder. During this time, he paced the classroom and explained to me for forty minutes why I would never be successful in life. At the end of the period, he handed me a piece of paper with information on the assignment. I spent all night working on this assignment. When I turned it in, he took one look at it and scoffed. When I got it back, I saw that he had marked me down because I didn't do multiple things that he purposely left off the list. Needless to say, I switched history classes that year. However, because I was falling so far behind in my classes, my family decided that one class of mine could be dropped. I couldn't keep up no matter how hard I tried. The class that made the most sense was my advanced placement math class. It was a no brainer. It was an advanced class and I could retake it in high school. My parents emailed my teacher back and forth over this matter, explaining to her that I was dropping the class. My teacher agreed to let me read a book and work on makeup assignments during class in the meantime. That same teacher, then went to the principal complaining that I wasn't doing my work. She tried to get my parents in trouble and my parents ended up receiving a letter from the school about my truancy, claiming that I would be taken away if they didn't get it under control. I'll add that I had doctor's notes every single time I was sick. My parents printed out the emails they had shared with my math teacher and brought them into the principals office for a meeting. Luckily, this is where my teacher wasn't very smart. Everything she agreed to had been written down. In the end, I was able to drop the class and retake it in 9th grade.

9th grade my teachers weren't all that bad. I liked most of them. I still was dealing with being sick but overall, my teachers were supportive and I thrived in my math class that year. The only problem I had was that I never saw my history teacher. When I was sick, he was teaching. When I was in school, he was off playing golf tournaments. I literally only saw him twice that year, so I had no idea what was ever going on in that class.

This brings me to 10th grade. The year I dropped out. The year my family and I finally decided enough was enough. Before I delve that year, I have to explain the summer before 10th grade first. My family went on a road trip to Mt. Rushmore. On this trip, I discovered that I was suddenly highly allergic to pine trees; so much so that my body ended up covered in rashes, my ears would clog, and my throat would start closing up. Luckily, I never needed an EpiPen, just some Benadryl, which would wipe me out for days at a time.

Why is that story important? That's coming up now, in my 10th grade science class. Let me start by saying that for a while, I loved this class. I thought the teacher was great, I enjoyed my classmates immensely. Little did I know at the time, this was the class that was going to cause me a complete mental breakdown. Part way through the school year, my class did a study on plants. We went outside and I started reacting to what I learned was a ponderosa pine tree, as I stayed standing underneath it. My teacher saw my reaction and a student led me to the nurse's office. After this reaction, I was sick for a couple of weeks. When I came back, I had missed a "test" on the different plants. My teacher told me I had to take the test. Fine. No problem. She then led me into the supply closet, told me each of the plants were on the shelf and I had to identify them. She told me I couldn't leave the closet until I was done and closed the door. This teacher knew I was highly allergic to this plant and she knowingly left me in a small enclosed space with it. Needless to say, I ended up being out sick for three more weeks because of my reaction. During this time, the class was getting ready for a group assignment, one that I was really excited for at the time. I came back to class with only two days before that project would begin. My teacher then told me that because she couldn't rely on me being healthy, I wasn't going to participate. I was devastated. My parents complained, told her she was discriminating against me for my allergies and illnesses and eventually got me in a group to do the assignment. You would think this saga would end there. No. After a few weeks of making up all of my assignments, I turned them in ahead of the deadline. When the grade reports came in, I had a D because I had supposedly failed weeks of my assignments. What we found out was then shocking. My teacher had taken it upon herself to lock my grade. She refused to count all of my hard work. At the time, I didn't even understand. Part of me knew what was happening but I was only sixteen. I somehow thought that this was just because I was stupid or a failure. I blamed myself. I was so depressed looking at my plummeting grade. I believed that grade marked my level of intelligence. I didn't believe in myself at all. That's what school had taught me all of these years. Not to believe in myself. For weeks, I could hardly find the will to make it out of bed in the morning and one day I finally broke. I couldn't do this anymore. I remember sitting in my parents master bathroom on the floor. Tears were streaming from my eyes and I was throwing a tissue box back and forth against the wall. My mom saw me crying, put her arms around me, and asked me what I wanted to do. What did I want to do? There was no question in my mind. I wanted to leave high school. I couldn't do this anymore. The amazing part was, my parents were completely supportive. They saw everything I had been through and they didn't want me to go through it anymore. For the rest of the year, I had dropped all of my classes except my video editing class. I stayed in that class till the end of the year because video editing was still what I wanted to do.

The terrible truth is, it's taken me a long time to not look at myself as a failure. Some days, I still struggle to find my confidence but I push myself everyday to build it back. I left school in 2007 and since then, I experienced so many other things that helped me regain my strength. As I said at the beginning of this, managing an entire film set was not an easy task at 18 years old. Taking charge was something I had never been able to do and it was a life changing experience for me.

In all honesty, had I had different experiences in school, maybe finishing high school and going to college would've taken me somewhere else in life. But to be honest, I'm happy with where I've ended up. If I had finished high school, I never would've had that amazing experience on "Little Blossom". If I had gone to college, I never would've met my husband on a trip to New Zealand in 2009, and he alone changed my world (read our love story here). The truth is, my interests have never needed a degree. I've always been into the arts and I work hard teaching myself new things all the time. My life long dream has always been to be a singer and last year I finally released my first EP, "Stepping Stone". Do I have some big successful career right now? No. Do I know exactly where I'm going in life? Of course not. But who does at 22 years old? Against all odds, my husband and I are happy and financially stable, and that's really all I could ask for.

The hardest part about dropping out of high school is telling people. Few people will take the time to listen and understand. So I want to thank everyone right now for listening to my story. I don't want to feel ashamed anymore. I don't want to try to hide this aspect of my life. This is a large part of who I am. When I say "this", I don't mean being a drop out. I mean the struggles I experienced for nine years leading up to that decision.

I'm not a drop-out. I'm a survivor.

Who Do I Want to Be in Hollywood?

This morning I was lying in bed and I was thinking: If I ever become known for my music what do I want my influence to be. When I was 13, my voice coach asked me that same question. I said I didn't want people to feel like they have to be like me. I want to teach them that it's okay to be themselves. I still agree today. Of course, I know that if I this opportunity ever arises, I'm bound to influence people whether I'd like to or not.

I'm not going to use the phrase "If I ever become famous". Let's face it, "famous" has a whole other meaning now. Fame isn't just about being known for your craft, it's about being known for your wild party habits, your drug and alcohol addictions, or dressing up in some wacky getup. I just want to be known for my craft. I want to be successful doing what I love. I know I'm never going to be in that party scene. I couldn't stand it in high school and I still can't stand it. Want to known my big high school party experience? Some friends invited me to a party. I went. It ended up being a party of their religious teenage congregation with parental supervision and playing games with paper airplanes. I kid you not. And I had a blast! Want to know my big high school drinking experience? I went to a restaurant, ordered a virgin pina colada and they served me one with rum accidentally. Two sips and I was giggly and tipsy. My tolerance has always been low. Final want to know: This was my clubbing experience when I turned 18. My sister and I went to a few clubs and each time sat around in a corner talking to each other about our future film project at the time. Each time we got up to try and dance with each other we looked around and there was no one on the floor. The other club we went to was so crowded and loud that I wanted to leave the first second I arrived.

See. I'm definitely not going to be known as the "party" girl. It's weird. Everyone I talk to out in LA is always asking me about what my "image" is going to be. One person looked at my promotional photos months back and said, "These are nice photos but there's really nothing special about them."

Can't I be the one celebrity whose actually known for just having a talent? It's ridiculous that Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and Katy Perry have become the industry standard. Don't get me wrong, I think Lady Gaga's outfits are fun to look at. I loved Britney's early music. I love Katy Perry's music and her crazy costumes. But I just want to be me. The girl who waited in line for 3 hours for the Chuck panel at San Diego Comic Con, the girl who helps her friends out when they need it, collects TV DVDs and stares at the collection longingly to relax, enjoys nightly strolls in the supermarket with my hubby, and sings and writes to let out my bottled up emotions.

I guess till this day, I still believe what I said when I was 13. I don't want to be anyone's influence. The only thing I want my fans to ever be is who they are. I want them to know that you don't have to party and drink to be special. That you're special just the way you are.

Hollywood seems to have this standard that everyone has to prove they're special and that they're the best. I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to pretend or be false. If I'm never the "Hollywood" version of "the best", I'll be just fine. I just want to do what I love. I want to know that a fan, even if it's just one fan, has listened to my songs and it has helped them through whatever experience they're going through.

If I can make it doing what I love and by being myself, it's worth it. It's not worth it any other way. If I can't, at least I know I'm still me.

Recording my EP in Boulder, Colorado.

Recording studio breaks with my husband who was obsessed with Angry Birds at the time.