A New Beginning...

"The Hardest Thing In This World, Is To Live In It. Be Brave. Live."

I've been going over this post in my head, trying to think of what to write. I haven't written since October and I feel like it's time again. The last few months of 2013, were some of the worst I've ever had. Most of you don't know this, but I was very ill for the past 4 months due to a severe food poisoning incident at the end of August that left me unable to stomach almost anything until a few weeks ago. In the middle of October, during one horrible week, my grandfather and mother-in-law passed away. I was already suffering from uncontrollable weight loss and then I added on severe depression and anxiety. After a course of antibiotics, the initial stomach problem was fixed but it led to other adverse and severe reactions throughout December. Now, I'm finally eating again and slowly regaining my weight. I've started some new routines, including yoga and a weight gaining diet, and I've been working hard to reprogram my mind to my once optimistic and playful mindset. In the end, I'm hoping that everything I've gone through will make me a much stronger person.

I used to think New Years Resolutions were ridiculous. Like, if you weren't going to do something in the first place, why do you think you'll be able to commit now? But, this year, was the first year I didn't "resolve to not have a resolution". This year, I woke up on January 1st telling myself I would smile and that life was going to improve this year. I wasn't going to mope anymore and I was going to finally enjoy my life out in California.

Then it hit me. In the two years that my husband and I have been out in California, I never actually started a life out here. Before we moved from Colorado, I had things to do and close friends. I had my voice lessons, not once, but twice a week. The first year we were in California, we were so busy with a job that kept us from making any time for ourselves, that my husband and I never had the time to make any friends. I never had the time to take voice lessons. The 15 hour days, 5-6 days a week, I spent working on the computer, ended up leaving me with carpal tunnel, which I'm still suffering from. In the end, I had to leave my job and I left it to only discover that I had no other life in LA. By the time the first year passed, I felt so miserable in LA, that by the second year, I didn't want to make any plans because I figured I'd move from here eventually anyways.

I decided this year, what if I stay in LA? What if we don't move anytime in the next few years? I need to push myself to get out there and actually do things. Not just talk about doing things. 

Which brings me to my resolution: To make a life for myself.

I'm excited to say I've signed up to try out a new voice coach on Monday, I've started taking cake decorating classes, and in the future weeks, I plan to sign up for guitar lessons and krav maga! It feels good to actually have plans! I forgot how motivating that alone can be. Hopefully, with new activities on the horizon, I'll meet some new people and I'll also have more things to write about this year on my blog!

For anyone who's been going through their own personal struggles, I hope it helps to know you're not alone. Don't try to distance yourself from having a life. Get out there and become active. Take control. Let yourself live.

Happy New Year 2014 everyone! May positivity and optimism light your way this year.

Christmas 2013

Who Do I Want to Be in Hollywood?

This morning I was lying in bed and I was thinking: If I ever become known for my music what do I want my influence to be. When I was 13, my voice coach asked me that same question. I said I didn't want people to feel like they have to be like me. I want to teach them that it's okay to be themselves. I still agree today. Of course, I know that if I this opportunity ever arises, I'm bound to influence people whether I'd like to or not.

I'm not going to use the phrase "If I ever become famous". Let's face it, "famous" has a whole other meaning now. Fame isn't just about being known for your craft, it's about being known for your wild party habits, your drug and alcohol addictions, or dressing up in some wacky getup. I just want to be known for my craft. I want to be successful doing what I love. I know I'm never going to be in that party scene. I couldn't stand it in high school and I still can't stand it. Want to known my big high school party experience? Some friends invited me to a party. I went. It ended up being a party of their religious teenage congregation with parental supervision and playing games with paper airplanes. I kid you not. And I had a blast! Want to know my big high school drinking experience? I went to a restaurant, ordered a virgin pina colada and they served me one with rum accidentally. Two sips and I was giggly and tipsy. My tolerance has always been low. Final want to know: This was my clubbing experience when I turned 18. My sister and I went to a few clubs and each time sat around in a corner talking to each other about our future film project at the time. Each time we got up to try and dance with each other we looked around and there was no one on the floor. The other club we went to was so crowded and loud that I wanted to leave the first second I arrived.

See. I'm definitely not going to be known as the "party" girl. It's weird. Everyone I talk to out in LA is always asking me about what my "image" is going to be. One person looked at my promotional photos months back and said, "These are nice photos but there's really nothing special about them."

Can't I be the one celebrity whose actually known for just having a talent? It's ridiculous that Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, and Katy Perry have become the industry standard. Don't get me wrong, I think Lady Gaga's outfits are fun to look at. I loved Britney's early music. I love Katy Perry's music and her crazy costumes. But I just want to be me. The girl who waited in line for 3 hours for the Chuck panel at San Diego Comic Con, the girl who helps her friends out when they need it, collects TV DVDs and stares at the collection longingly to relax, enjoys nightly strolls in the supermarket with my hubby, and sings and writes to let out my bottled up emotions.

I guess till this day, I still believe what I said when I was 13. I don't want to be anyone's influence. The only thing I want my fans to ever be is who they are. I want them to know that you don't have to party and drink to be special. That you're special just the way you are.

Hollywood seems to have this standard that everyone has to prove they're special and that they're the best. I don't ever want to do that. I don't want to pretend or be false. If I'm never the "Hollywood" version of "the best", I'll be just fine. I just want to do what I love. I want to know that a fan, even if it's just one fan, has listened to my songs and it has helped them through whatever experience they're going through.

If I can make it doing what I love and by being myself, it's worth it. It's not worth it any other way. If I can't, at least I know I'm still me.

Recording my EP in Boulder, Colorado.

Recording studio breaks with my husband who was obsessed with Angry Birds at the time.

Meeting People in LA and Ray Donovan

How do you make friends in LA? My husband and I have been out here for a year and a half and it seems like it's impossible to meet young 20somethings or 30somethings. Yesterday, we went to our first dance class in hopes that we'd meet some nice people. Unfortunately, when we arrived, almost all of the other class members were over 70. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with elderly people, but we do really want to make friends closer to our age. My husband and I aren't really bar/club people either, which makes it even more challenging.

So, does anyone have any suggestions on how to meet people in LA? Everyone we talk to seems to say it took them a year or two to start meeting people and making friends. I'm grateful for the couple of friends we have managed to make but with my husband's work schedule, it's been nearly impossible for us to even try meeting more people this past year and half. I'm all opened to suggestions! Concerts? Sporting events? Other types of classes?

If there was some magical way to move all of my friends out to California, I would do that too.

Ugg.

Okay. Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I feel better. Let's move on to the regular scheduled programming.

I watched Ray Donovan. It was really good! Dark. But really good. After this season of Dexter, I'm going to need a dark show to take its place! The character of Ray confuses me. He seems kind of like he's supposed to be a good guy but he's also kind of scummy. I guess I'll be able to have a more conclusive theory after some more episodes. Boy, does he come from a troubled past though. The show seems Dexter-like, just with a different theme. Ray isn't a serial killer or anything but the sentiment behind the show reminds me of Dexter. Maybe it's the childhood trauma portion. The acting was great! I found the characters a lot more exciting than I find the characters on Graceland. I could tell instantly that I'm going to get very into this show! I'm excited to see next weeks!

Today, I'm looking forward to playing some more guitar! I've been on the search to find a teacher, which also seems surprisingly difficult in a city full of musicians. I swear, there is something weird about LA. It is so frustrating. But, at least I feel like I'm teaching myself fairly well! I even wrote my first song with the guitar the other day! I'm very excited.

What is there to do in LA? Did you enjoy Ray Donovan? Does it remind you of Dexter?

Tomorrow, I've got a special blog coming for the 4th of July weekend, so be sure to check it out!

My little Willow can always bring a smile to my face no matter what!